Lost Texts: Diary of a Wood Elf

April 25, 2013

Lost Texts (Fan Fiction)

First Age

Yen One:1

..This journal is a record of all the amazing and far out things I’ve seen since awakening, let the good times roll.

Woke up to the sight of bright stars overhead, the feel of cool crisp air, and the sounds of falling water. Also might have woken up due to the sounds of loud snoring coming from the guy next to me who must have some nasal malady or something, a swift kick to his side solves that problem. Not sure what to make of all of this, nor what to call it, or myself for that matter, lets go with Aqualondo, yeah that sounds good. The cute girl on the other side of me thinks it sounds good too so Aqualondo it is.

Me and the rest of a great number of similar smashingly good looking people spent years wandering around in wide-eyed wonder at this beautiful land we found ourselves in. Most of it we spent finding names for ourselves and everything around us. This may sound magical and all but until you get going it’s a right pain in the ass. Like say I want to send a message to that cute elf from the previous paragraph, before we had names for things it would go something like.

To: Whatsyourface
8 somethings north of that thing
Across from that whachamacallit
Between that tall thing with those
pointy whatsit’s sticking out of them

From: You know who
Over that big thing over there
By the, you know, those thingamajiggers
Right by that guy with the funny nose
…..No, the other guy.

But finally we got things settled and mostly in order. The place where we awoke we decided to call Cuiviénen because that was it’s name, and ourselves the Quendi. We spent  our days in quiet contemplation, in awe at the splendor around us. Personally I was bored, there is only so much quiet contemplation one elf can take.

Yen Two:

I don’t know what the name of the elf is who discovered the joys of distilled grapes and spirits, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s Greatest-elf-EVER. And not a moment too soon because it was dullsville around here for quite a long time. Alcohol is a hell of a thing and makes chores like place-naming and listening to Elwë (later Thingol) strut around and try to convince everyone to call him Lord Greymantle tolerable. I knew the moment Elwë’s girlfriend knitted him that grey scarf, trouble would come of it. Elwë’s the kind of guy who’s only chance for social mobility would be if he married way above his station and what are the odds of that?

But it hasn’t been all that bad. Finwë’s sons are a hoot to run with even if Fëanor can be a egotistical ass at times, and there are always plenty of lovely elf women running around. Had a bit of excitement for a while when elves were disappearing out in the forests and a couple stragglers came back with stories of a dark hunter on a large neighing horse, but other than that it’s been business as usual. Could really use some excitement around here.

Yen Three:

Well just goes to show that if you ask, you shall receive, though not always in the way you might wish. So we were all sitting around drinking Cuiviénen 168 (Great year) out of the bottle and singing songs, when up comes this massive guy out of the forest on this majestic steed. I was rather smashed so didn’t quite get the name but it sounded like Origami2 to me. Anyways Origami starts telling us about this great place called Aman where the Valar live, everything is wonderful, and we can all live in everlasting bliss and peace. But before all this he has to go and confer with his Valar buddies to make travel arrangements and all that, and warns us to stay away from some really bad guy whose named escapes me due to drinking way more 168 than I should have.

The next morning I spent sitting around, rubbing my head and recovering from the previous nights festivities. This Aman sounds like a pretty sweet place and it would be nice to get away from Cuiviénen for a while. Most of our leaders think it’s a swell idea too and they start gathering people up for when Origami returns. But before I could  finish packing, two elf maidens with long legs and loose morals tell me about this other party going on up north at Melkor’s Bar and Grill. Some deep seated warning tugs at the back of my brain but the rest of last nights bottle takes care of that, one misses a lot when you bother with things like deep-seated warnings. They tell me it’s going to be the party of the Yen and there will be high quality booze for all, but we might miss the big shipping off for Aman. So I’m sitting writing this and trying to come to a decision..eternity of bliss..or free booze….peaceful contemplation….loose elf women..choices, choices.

Yen Four:

Writing this from Melkor’s establishment and it’s a really good thing there was free booze involved. I mean, it’s an impressive place and all but Melkor’s kind of a pushy, ill-tempered bloke and his right hand man Sauron’s no joy either. Me and the girls spend much of our time carousing and having a grand old time with the other elves who came along for the ride. Not long ago, Sauron came out and handed us all steaming flasks of some liquid he calls Utumno Surprise, with promises that it’s the best alcohol we’ll ever taste. Hey, I’ll drink to that. The girls upend theirs in quick order and tell me that it’s got quite a kick to it and I might want to be careful. But hey, we’re Eldar in the prime of our years, what’s the worst that could happen.

Yen Um..Twenty or something:

Well I guess I answered that question. Orc! Woke up and the two beautiful elf maidens I went to bed with, now looked like Ugly married Beastly, had a kid named Hideous, and beat him on the face for a few yen. One tried to bite my arm off and I barely made it out of there alive. A lot of the other elves look like that too and are just as ill-tempered, what was in that drink? I picked up the bottle and read the warning label on the back.

Warning: May cause vomiting, blurred vision,
memory loss, tooth decay, transformation into
a dark slave of Melkor, subject to his will
for all time or until you die, which will
probably be soon.

May have to revise earlier rule about deep-seated warning. Keeping bottle though, it’s a long trip back to Cuiviénen.

Yen: Twenty-One:

Wow! A lot changes when you’re passed out in a dungeon for yen’s getting almost turned into a servant of the enemy. The trip back to Cuiviénen didn’t turn out as planned since the whole land was completely transformed and all the sign-posts got turned around, so I ended up wandering around for a while. Ran into a couple of Elwë’s people while heading west and they filled me in on what happened. Apparently Oragami came back and transported most of the Quendi for the great journey to Aman though it took some time since it’s thousands of miles away and nobody was in a great hurry anyways. But before this, the Valar got into a huge real estate fight with Melkor and took him away in chains, probably didn’t care for his service either, and that’s how every thing got changed around so bad.

I asked them why they weren’t with the rest of the bunch and they informed me that they had been searching for Thingol their lord for some time. It seems he took a trip to seek out Finwë, Lord of the Noldor when he became lost somewhere in the forest of Neldoreth. So, not only does he prove to still be a bore, but goes and disproves the theory that only female elves are bad navigators. For a while they had his face on bottles of Teleri Stout Ale with ‘Have you seen this King?’ written on them, but anyone whose drank Teleri Stout Ale will tell you that after a few glasses, you can’t recognize your own face, much less anyone else’s. So they then tell me the real party is over in Beleriand and point me in the right direction. Maybe now, I’ll finally get someplace.

Yen: Twenty-Two:

Or maybe not. Apparently someone didn’t pay their flood insurance because in place of Beleriand, there is nothing but a wide ocean and a sign saying ‘Sorry, closed for renovations’. Oh well, back to wandering around, I hear Greenwood the Great is nice this time of yen.

********************************

*Editor’s Note: Due to the unreliability of the author of this journal, all names, places and time frames should be taken with extreme suspicion. In fact, treat all grammar, events, sentences and paragraphs as dubious as well. Thank you*


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  1. A Yen is an elvish measure of time equaling approximately 144 years.
  2. Oromë, huntsman of the Valar.
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2 Responses to “Lost Texts: Diary of a Wood Elf”

  1. Narnian Says:

    LOVE this!

    Reply

  2. Avatar of Lilikate Buggins.
    Lilikate Buggins. Says:

    This is just great :) So funny… Thanks again!

    Reply

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